A 'Lethal Seduction' Review
The adolescent wet dream meets the adolescent's nightmare... no Diddy.
I watched Lethal Seduction tonight. It doesn’t really matter which adaptation it was, I’d have been lethally seduced in any of ‘em.
It reminded me of a time when I was a boy and I was at my friend’s house. We were 9 or so, old enough to hoorah over a nice lady but clueless enough that we practiced good hand washing to prevent the spread of cooties.
His mom and dad were at work or whatever, and bro pulled me aside and said he had to show me something.
He snuck me to his parents room, creeped to the dresser, pulled open the very bottom drawer, removed all his dads socks and showed me the treasure trove of titties. There they were. The finest set of nudie magazines this side of the Mississippi (that month’s subscription of the big 3 porno print magazines: Nudes Week, Muff Monthly, and Dear Dolores: Let’s Talk Clitoris). I can’t confirm if those are actually real porno magazine names and I suggest if you want to find out for yourself make sure incognito mode is on.
‘Go ahead bro. Look at em. We’ve got all the time we want.’ So I glanced. It was a good time. The comics were funny. Of course, I read the articles. In the brief moment our eyes were sneaking through those magazines like our pals from Bikini Bottom,
…In the brief moment our eyes were sneaking through those magazines like Spongebob and Patrick, a particular article stood out in that issue of Dear Dolores: Let’s Talk Clitoris. I thought I was reading the greatest erotica story ever. I was enthralled. The structure, the anatomy, the wordplay, the toy play. That article had everything a 9 year old nerd boy could’ve wanted in that faint 13 minute 37 second window we had.
Turns out, it was just the script of this movie.
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I do want to point out one other thing that probably means nothing to y’all but everything to me.
At one point in the movie the mom, Tonya, and the boyfriend who wears sandals with socks while on the clock at the aquarium, Randy, were having a nice stay at home date enjoying a puzzle.
During the scene Randy gleefully shouts, “Hey! Three in a row,” implying this man just put three consecutive random pieces of a puzzle together with the same effort it takes to spot a dime on the ground.
Well I’m here to tell you as a lifelong jigsaw puzzle veteran that statement is a FARCE and I call bullshit. Allow me to explain.
One shot of the puzzle they were working on showed it was completed anywhere from 40-60% so let’s call it 50%. The size of the puzzle indicated it was probably 1000 pieces, maybe 1500 pieces tops.
It took two years of algebra one for me to learn that means they’ve got about 500ish scattered pieces on the board remaining. The odds of selecting 3 pieces in a row correctly out of that remaining puzzle from a puzzle novice like Randy takes like… three years of algebra one knowledge to figure out which means I’ll never know.
So that means Randy is either a puzzle shark or he was trying to impress Tanya in an attempt to lethally seduce her. But that wouldn’t make sense because he was tired of being her void at that time. So that must mean Randy is a pool shark.
Wait, the aquarium. The sharks. The squeegee. Someone get me Randy. I have to meet this man. I may have just found my greatest ally and my greatest rival. We will form a team with Hulk & Thor and call our group ‘Picking Up The Pieces’ which is our take on the Avengers.
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Fun watch and fun time writing this. I am getting closer to take these jokes/thoughts to video format so we can laugh together in a different medium!